South By Southwest begins this week. SXSW (as the cool kids type it) is an interactive conference, music festival and film convention. It’s everything to everyone all the time. Between March 12 and March 21 thousands of record, film and web professionals will swarm Austin, Texas. They’ll eat everything in sight, drink everything in reach and go to a seemingly endless list of classes, panels and Tweetups. Most of it will be amazing. Some of it will suck, including these 15 Douchiest Panels At SXSW. These are ridiculous panels taken by super posers. They’re filled with windbags, bad Power Point presentations and ukuleles. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
15. What Guys Are Doing To Get More Girls In Tech!
It’s hard to get girls when you work in a sausage fest. But, going to a (probably) all male seminar isn’t going to help. I guarantee tech goddess Shira Lazar won’t be there. She’s going to be partying with the hip crowd. Be a man. Grow a set. Get your butt to the bar.
14. How To Create A Viral Video
One word: Boobs.
13. Directing The Dead (with Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez)
Though the concept sounds cool, the panel is ultimately going to digress into Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez talking about how great they are and how badly Hollywood needs their movies.
12. Visual Notetaking 101
Or, maybe, just use a laptop.
11. Spirituality For Nomads
This panel is for musicians who tour a lot. Merrill Wad and Tom Bimbel promise to get you in touch with your spiritual side, as soon as groupies stop touching your backside.
10. Does My Sh*t Talking Really Help Your Brand?
Why do you think we made this list, a-hole.
9. How To Rawk SXSW
For those people who don’t quite understand how to open a beer, Min Jun Kim, Ben Huh and Jeremy Keith will guide you through. They might even hold your hair back when you puke.
8. History Of The Button
I’m sorry. I just fell asleep.
7. A Conversation With Michel Gondry
He’s French and therefore is automatically included on this list.
6. Ukulele For Geeks: Secrets Of Pentatonic Scales
Unless you’re a member of Garfunkel and Oates, you should have your uk taken away and your hands chopped off.
5. Fans, Friends And Followers: Creating Your Own Cult
There will be a doorman demanding your douche bag badge.
4. Direct A Great Film By Storyboarding With Sick Figures
There were so many better ways to fill this panel. For example, they could just run Don Hertzfeldt cartoons in a loop.
3. Merch: The Other White Meat Of Monetization
How to sell your crappy T-shirt, craft night hobby or rubbery eggs.
2. Selling Subculture Without Selling Out
This class is also known as How To Be A Hipster.
1. Mentors: Managers/Agents
I laugh that this panel has the words mentors and agents in the same title. This is the ultimate douche bag class.
For more douchebaggery, check out 25 Examples Of Female Douchebag Kissy Face and 10 Pictures That Give Douchebags A Bad Name.
Posted by Jack Draper, who once made out with an agent and manager on the same night.
